Friday, February 15, 2008

I'm in a glass case of emotion

What do you do when your boyfriend of almost three years reveals something to you that he's struggled with for the last year and a half? And we're talking BIG here, not just something like, "Oh, I swear a lot sometimes," or whatever.

And what do you do when it hurts? Literally, emotionally, breaking-your-heart-for-two-different-reasons-hurts, one because you feel like he cheated on you (technically he didn't, but in a way, yes) and two because he's crying in front of you and you know that he feels absolutely horrible about it? What do you do when, all of a sudden, you're questioning every sentence that comes out of his mouth, including, "I love you more than anything"?

I just cried. I'm not mad. But I am hurt. And I don't know how much I trust him right now. I've always had small issues with trusting him--not because of anything he'd ever done, but because I'm paranoid and can't stand the thought of having my heart shattered.

I still love him, and I want to be there for him eventually, but I don't feel like I can right now. I wasn't even able to say that I forgive him tonight. I mean, I will--when I'm ready. And he knows this.

I feel like in spite of all my effort--the sacrifices I made for him, the things I gave him, the nights I spent crying myself to sleep because I started a fight with him--it just wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. That is what hurts me the most. I want so badly to be everything for him, like he is for me. Or was. I don't know. Truth be told, I'm still processing this (I hate that phrase, by the way), and I'm not sure when I'll be fully okay. I feel like things will always be somewhat different from now on, tinged with the slightest hint of some suspicion or hurt, and it makes me so incredibly sad. I think that is what I'm mourning the most--our relationship cannot be like it used to be. It just can't.

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Written by an English major who really should expand her vocabulary.